Getting through another day without him...

Had a very hard time falling asleep last night and when I finally did I dreamt about my handsome husband all night.  Each time I would wake up I would force myself to go back to sleep so I could be with him for just a few more minutes.  Then, as always, I open my eyes, and the realization that he's not here is too much for me to bear.   I feel an emptiness in my heart all day and night until I go back to sleep. 

I try to keep myself busy by working most of the day (after all, the bills don't pay themselves), but the second I stop working it all comes crashing down on me.  I tried smoking for the past month, that always used to calm me down when I was younger.  It didn't help, so I gave it up a week ago.  I tried having half a glass of wine before bed thinking it would make me tired, but all it did was add to my sorrow.  I just don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of my life without him.  I can't even wrap my mind around that concept.  He was all I had in this world and now he's gone. 

Surviving Widowhood

On Thursday, March 7th, my life changed forever.  I was woken up before daylight, by my brother-in-law.  He said the words that no wife whose husband is in the hospital would ever want to hear...."I'm sorry, he's gone!"  At first it seemed like a bad dream that I still feel like I'm going to wake up from at some point.  I can't believe that I'm a widow now, I'm only 34 years old!  This wasn't supposed to happen!

It's been six weeks and those words still play in my head over and over on a daily basis.  Somehow, I find the strength to get myself out of bed each morning and start another day without him.  I know my life will be forever changed, but to picture my life without my husband in it at this point is too painful to even bear.  I try to trick my mind into believing that he's just out somewhere and will be coming home to me any minute.  I see him in my dreams almost every night now (I didn't at first in the beginning), each dream ends the same way though, he's gone.  When I'm home I still think I'm going to hear his keys opening our front door any second, but it never happens. 

As I struggle to get through life and allow myself to heal, I want to share my journey with you.  I've found by reading stories of others in a similar situation it has been very helpful for my healing process.  I also hope that someday I will be able to look back on this blog and realize how far I've come.