Had a very hard time falling asleep last night and when I finally did I dreamt about my handsome husband all night. Each time I would wake up I would force myself to go back to sleep so I could be with him for just a few more minutes. Then, as always, I open my eyes, and the realization that he's not here is too much for me to bear. I feel an emptiness in my heart all day and night until I go back to sleep.
I try to keep myself busy by working most of the day (after all, the bills don't pay themselves), but the second I stop working it all comes crashing down on me. I tried smoking for the past month, that always used to calm me down when I was younger. It didn't help, so I gave it up a week ago. I tried having half a glass of wine before bed thinking it would make me tired, but all it did was add to my sorrow. I just don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of my life without him. I can't even wrap my mind around that concept. He was all I had in this world and now he's gone.
The Widows Guide to Survival
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Surviving Widowhood
On Thursday, March 7th, my life changed forever. I was woken up before daylight, by my brother-in-law. He said the words that no wife whose husband is in the hospital would ever want to hear...."I'm sorry, he's gone!" At first it seemed like a bad dream that I still feel like I'm going to wake up from at some point. I can't believe that I'm a widow now, I'm only 34 years old! This wasn't supposed to happen!
It's been six weeks and those words still play in my head over and over on a daily basis. Somehow, I find the strength to get myself out of bed each morning and start another day without him. I know my life will be forever changed, but to picture my life without my husband in it at this point is too painful to even bear. I try to trick my mind into believing that he's just out somewhere and will be coming home to me any minute. I see him in my dreams almost every night now (I didn't at first in the beginning), each dream ends the same way though, he's gone. When I'm home I still think I'm going to hear his keys opening our front door any second, but it never happens.
As I struggle to get through life and allow myself to heal, I want to share my journey with you. I've found by reading stories of others in a similar situation it has been very helpful for my healing process. I also hope that someday I will be able to look back on this blog and realize how far I've come.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)